October 6, 2010

Just Being Human

Time for a little....heart on the sleeve moment.....

Do you ever have moments where you want to have a little tantrum over things going on in your life....but then you feel bad about that because you see there are so many blessing as well? Do you ever get annoyed because things don't fall into place, but you also see how others are going through far worse things.....so then you feel guilty for being a little baby about your situation? Am I making any sense here? It's ok if I'm not. That's the week I've had....I'm thankful....and irritated.....and grateful....and annoyed.....and......and.....ugh!!!

Let me first say that... I am semi-failing... at waiting to check my email until the afternoon. I don't have a whole lot going on in my little life right now.....checking email makes me feel a little connected. I am waiting, but not until the afternoon.

I'm feeling really lazy. I need to start prepping for our Jan-Feb move(nothing set in stone, yet), but I just can't physically get myself to. I've been gaining a little weight....just a few pounds around the middle. I need to start walking...something.....but again, the oomph is missing.

 The big thing that has got me in a little slump....a slump that I am determined to get out of ....has to do with our living situation. I find this very ironic(maybe even hypocritical) because I had just being feeling content and so thankful for all we have. Suddenly....out of nowhere.....I'm really missing owning a home. I miss decorating. I know...so ridiculous....but I am so tired of these tan walls. On one hand I shout for joy for Kayla and her family.....and then on the other hand I am being a big grumpy baby...missing our huge yard and wide open floor plan. The thing that gets me really annoyed is that our rent is more than our mortgage was. If we were paying less....I would be thrilled. It would make living in our new space a bit more tolerable. The fact that housing is so outrageous in metro NJ just gets me mad.

 I know....I told you that I am having a little tantrum. I have been having little panic attacks in the middle of the night.....wondering where is our "home". I feel like a nomad. Too many boxes sit unpacked in our garage....too many memories hidden away. I'm grieving over the house I dream about, but I'm also thankful over the opportunity that He has given us. How does that make any sense?

I'm all mixed up....is what I am. Like I said....I'm thankful.....and annoyed.....feeling guilty.....and grateful. Ugh.


Wendy said...

Wow! Sounds like me a month or so ago! It is so tough to feel 'unsettled'. Knowing another move is coming makes it tougher....but now that we have another offer in (even though it's still possible we may not get it) has made me feel better. We have decided to stay here, so the move will just be across town not to an entirely new community again. I feel for you. I know all about the ....desire to decorate, but why bother because it's a rental and you're moving again soon....dilemma. I think we all have those mixed feelings...and then feel guilty for it. Praying you'll be able to find that contentment again soon. ;)

StacyB said...

Mimi -
I totally fell apart last Thursday. So similar to what you are describing.
Human, human, human. :(
♥ ♥ ♥

Ruth said...

Nothing I think of saying 'feels' right about now, but I want you to know that you are (and will always be) in my prayers.

Incidentally... you're not mixed up at all. Life - like love - is a 'many-splendoured' thing, and articulating our many and varied emotions can be a 'trial' to say the least... and that's OK too. It tells me that you're a living, breathing, thinking, feeling member of the human family... and YES, it ALL makes perfect sense to me. :)

Check this out... 'gold' is just around the corner... I promise. :)


Tiffanie said...

Oh my friend...this is not unusual of a feeling. Especially after a huge life change. it's okay to be grateful AND annoyed at the same time! Just hold on to the grateful part, and hand the annoyed part back to the devil. Cuz he's the one dishing that cold dish out! He wants you to be miserable, to be annoyed, to feel misplaced and confused. Recognize that immediately, and realize this is just a season you are going thru, not permanently, but just a season. Relish in the fact that you can focus on your family, and not your walls right now, refocus your frustrations and find the silver lining. I know you, you 'll find it!

Love you!!

Darcie said...

I totally understand where you are coming from...just in a different way. I feel like we have been standing at a crossroad for a year now and we still don't know what direction to go. Life is full of questions, and doubts sometimes. I keep just reminding myself that God has a plan...and it is better than anything I can imagine...for you too.


Life with Kaishon said...

Oh! You are so completely normal. Me too about everything. I can't even think about it long because then I have a panic attack that I am thinking about how ridiculous I am acting.... Oh man!

I know that New jersey housing is insane. I am so sorry that you have to deal with that craziness. I am so glad the boys are happy and having fun at the little playground in the neighborhood. You are the best mom! I know you love them very much! And I know God has a wonderful plan for you.

You are doing a good job at this stage you are in. I am proud of you.

carole said...

Yup - I think you're normal, too. I go back and forth in the same way on things - feeling upset - then reminding myself of the situation of "so and so" - then feeling thankful - then feeling guilty - then feeling temper tantrum ish. . . .

I hope your mid winter move proves helpful in kicking these apartment blues for you.

Hang in there! :)

Tara said...

I often feel the same way. We, too, have been at a crossroads for a while as I told you before. D recently applied for a job closer to where my family lives but they hired somebody in the same district. I want to move closer to my family so we can finally settle into a place to stay for a while and work on baby #2 if it is God's will. Just seems like everything falls into place for others but is a constant struggle for others....yet, we are soooo blessed in what we have. I feel ya!

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